Tired

Today, I am thankful for Your Goodness, I am thankful for all of the times that I have seen Your presence and hand in my life. I am so thankful for Your Hope and Your promise of Peace. I am thankful for the life that You have given me, I am thankful for circumstances and situations we have been in to learn from and grow.

But for as thankful as I am, Lord, I am tired.

Can I please just lay down for a moment and curl up at Your feet? Today I am just so incredibly tired. May I please just lay my head down, and close my eyes because I am so tired I can't even weep. I feel as though I have been spending my time trying to pull a donkey 4 inches across the floor when it has decided it isn't going to move.

Lord, can I please be super honest with you? I know I can....I feel like in my brain I am driving a beautiful sports car that I cannot afford down a winding road as fast as it can go...and there are so many times that I am enjoying the ride. I am enjoying the feeling of the wind in my hair, but right now I feel like I want to slow down and enjoy the scenery. I am finding that while I can usually keep up this pace, I am getting tired. I am tired because I feel like I am doing pretty well staying in my own lane at this pace, but then all of a sudden my thoughts will begin to take the wheel...and I have to fight to regain control. My thoughts go straight into anxiousness and fear, they are taking me out of my lane and I am dangerously close to the retaining wall. I am tired because I am grabbing that wheel and trying to regain control to stay in my lane, I am not going to allow the anxious thoughts and fear to drive me into the wall, allowing that to happen would result in a HUGE crash, full on with flames and decimation. I can't allow that. So every thought, I am working on taking every thought and tossing out the ones that cause me to fear and be anxious. But God I am tired.

I will be working hard at planning, there is so much planning and doing. Getting laundry caught up, planning meals for myself while I am gone as well as my household. How many meals can I fit in that freezer? How many days should Jer take off, should I buy those extra snacks? Will the kids remember to brush their teeth while I gone? Will the dishes get done, or wait, should I buy paper? Shoes, oh Lord, we need shoes before I leave, I need time to shop for shoes. Covering the work bases I have, who could cover my 5 day a week shift at one job, and will the next person be able to clean the house as well as I can? Of course they can! But what if....what if creeps in, and that is when I get tired. What if something goes wrong at the house and you aren't there to fix it? What if we can't find someone to fill my spot at the gym? What if Penelope needs me while I am gone, what if they run out of underwear? What if they don't like what I have made to eat? No, No, NO! Those thoughts need to be gone. Ok, back to planning, do I pack 4 shirts or 5? When should I start to concoct the story that Shelby and I tell to cope with the surgeries? Oh shoot, what if I don't explain it well enough and she gets surprised by something and is scared? NOPE, thought taken captive and back into my lane. Ok, then I need to remember to pack my vitamins and get to get pre-op...oh don't forget to email the dr with that last question that you have. What if...what if this is a mistake? What if you are making the wrong decision Jessica?! What if this surgery is all said and done, and it all goes awry and Shelby is broken even further? Ok, thoughts, back into your lane!!!! But what if, what if you do all of this, and you get into the scrubs, walk her back into the OR, sit her on the table and listen to her knock knock jokes while she is breathing in the fairy pixie dust, what if you lie her down on the table when she has fallen asleep and you kiss her forehead, what if that is the last kiss you give her? What if she doesn't wake up? What if they can't do anything more, what if I never get to hold her again. STOP! LORD HELP ME, I am tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep pulling back into my lane? Each time my arms are more tired. Each time the thoughts feel stronger than I am. I can't keep doing this Lord because I am tired.

Lord, I am tired of crying. I am tired of hoping for healing, I am tired of fighting to stay in my lane. Lord, You tell me to cast my burdens on to You, but my arms are so tired. The burden feels too heavy to cast.

So Lord, today, may I just lay down at Your feet? Can You please take the wheel? I can't keep myself in my lane without Your help. Can You do the fighting for a bit. I need to close my eyes. I need to rest...I am so so tired.

My Hoarder Brain and the Day of Intervention

I restarted this blog because I love to write, it is one way for me to process my thoughts and feelings, it is a way for me minister, it is a way for me to unpack my brain.

My youngest daughter was born with imperforate anus and cloaca anomalies and she has a host of issues. In her short life (born in 2012) she has had 17 surgeries and is planning for her 18th. I stopped writing after her birth because I was so hurt, sad and angry. I didn't want to put my thoughts to paper anymore. If my thoughts were on paper, not only would I have to deal with them, the ugly truth was there in black and white. It was UGLY!

My brain became like a hoarders' home. In recent months, some things have been happening and God has captured my attention and I realize that I can no longer live with a brain that is packed full of stuff that doesn't need to be in there. Stuff that was never intended to be stored away. They are burdens, anxieties and fears, raw and not dealt with emotions, things that Jesus tells us to cast to Him. Things that I am told to lay at the foot of the Cross.

I have posted a few of my musings from my heart and head on my facebook and have had many people comment that I should write more often. I have had many people contact me privately and say that our venture in life and my transparency has been an encouragement to them and that I need to put my thoughts down more often.

So here I am today...writing...finally...I have decided today, I am staging an intervention on my hoarder brain. I am starting the adventure of unpacking the mess and the good stuff, the hurt and the joys of life....I am deciding to cast my burdens on Him.

Welcome to my journey! Buckle up! ;)